the college life...so far

So during the summer, I was soo excited to start college, meet new people, and all that fun stuff, but ever since I started, its not turning out what I thought it would be. I haven't gone to any parties, I didn't rush, and I never have the time to do extra curricular activities. I want to be involvled, but its not working cuz I never have the time. I never have enough time to rest. I mean its only the second week of school and I can't handle the load I'm taking on, not academically, but just everything. Balancing school, work, going home, seeing my friends, doing homework, going to the gym, planning my debut, which is in 2 months, and I still haven't fully settled into my room in orange. Everytime I come back home, I have stuff to take there, stuff to take back. Im still getting to know the area, and my way around. Ever since it all started, all of this stress and everything has been piling up.I've been trying to deal with it cuz I know it takes a while to get used to everything, but after today, I dont know if I can do it. I know I have to try, but god its so hard.

with school.....I hate that I don't dorm. I really really really wish that I did because it would make things SO SO SO much easier. I wouldn't have to wake up as early to get through traffic, it would make it easier to meet new people, make it easier to go to info meetings for clubs I'm interested in ( and I actually haven't been able to go to any, so much for being involved in school, I hope its not too late or anything) and I actually kinda feel really left out. I hate that I always worry whether or not I'll get a ticket for where I park, because I'm paranoid, and where the permits says I can park confuses me. I hate that everytime I go to class, I feel so unprepared and stupid. I hate that I didn't rush, because 1. I didn't have the time 2. Even if I got a bid, my mom would never go for it, I mean if she didn't wanna pay for dorming, why would she pay for a sorority? It seems so much easier with other people, I don't get it. I hate that I have to park next to middle earth while almost all of the few people I do know live in mesa. I hate that I have to carry around this big ugly backpack cuz its the only thing that will hold my laptop safely. I hate that my psych teacher teaches too fast, and even trying to type it all, its still too fast. and I hate how there are like a million couples around school holding hands walking to class ALREADY. I mean seriously, its only the 2nd week of school!

with work...I like working where I do, but I do feel like a couple of them don't like me. I have school monday-thursday and I usually work friday-monday. I am having trouble finding comfortable shoes to wear. I did just start working a week before school started so I'm still training, but I hate that I don't know everything yet. I don't like being new, but again, I just have to get used to it. And for some reason, I always freak out about being late, even though I most of the time do get there on time, I'm just paranoid about it. I'm trying to make a good impression on my co-workers. Overall, I'm glad I have that job, and its not hard, thank goodness. I think I only worry about it because its time-consuming, and its just another thing among a lot of others that I have to get used to. Its just that I'm kinda doing too much, not just work, thats just a part of it, but its all overwhelming me. which is probably why what happened today happened. and let me tell you, today sucked.

coming home...I do want to come home and see my friends and family, its just the drive getting there i hate. and trying to find time between school and work. I missed church on sunday, and its been a long time since i missed mass. when i do come home though, i do text my friends, and it sucks cuz when i can come here, theyre busy with the stuff they have to deal with, i mean its not like i want them to drop everything just because im in lakewood for the day, cuz they have their own responsiblities too, but the way it comes out, it seems like some of them don't even care that im there like...oh youre home? thats cool, but i have blah blah blah to do sorry! next time!....and it sucks cuz thats how it starts, you know? drifting apart. and i dont want that to happen. and i feel like i dont have anyone to turn to cuz everyone has their own shit to deal with. i feel bad that ciery comes home more than i do, and that i cant come home every weekend like i said i would cuz of work. ciery points that out too, but its not like i dont want to, its just hard to find the time to go there, sleep over, hang the next day, and when i do find time, its when everyones at work or school so i wouldnt even be able to spend time with them.

my birthday....my debut is in 2 months, and basically we haven't done anything but book the venue. the place only holds about 130 and 107 is already family and family friends so i can invite only about 30 of my friends and thats already kinda pushing it. 30? only 30? i have to consider my high school friends, elementary friends, and some college friends. I cant invite everyone i want to, but i don't want anyone to get butt-hurt cuz i didnt invite them to my birthday, and i have to figure out my candles treasures and roses between my big family and all my friends. and then we still have all the other party stuff to deal with. and im trying to go to the gym when i can because i do have some extra weight that i dont want at my debut, what ive been trying to do is to go before class on mondays then go to work after class, and go after class tuesday-thursday until the traffic is over. ill see how it works out. TWO MONTHS.

driving everywhere....i hate driving everywhere. everywhere i go, im in TRAFFIC. i hate traffic. fuck traffic. im basically in traffic 6 days a week. and i never get enough sleep. im always tired when im driving which is probably why i got into an accident today on my way to school. it was my damn fault. i was going too fast coming from the 22 going to the 55 (i was going like 55, but i should have slowed down changing freeways off the ramp) and i didnt stop in time, god, it was horrible. knowing it was my fault, there was 3 of us, i got the guys info but the girl was pacing around on her cellphone. i felt like a horrible person. i dont think im a bad driver, but today...jeez. i am a horrible person. i was really shakey and cried a little bit. this is making things so much harder. i didnt go to any of my classes today, missed a quiz, after the CHP took the report, i took the first exit and parked. after a little while, I just drove back to lakewood, by side streets. i dont wanna drive anymore. my car is at the shop for 2 weeks. i still have to go to school and work and home, and im gonna be driving the van. im scared cuz im used to my tiny car, and right now, im just scared of driving in general. all of this just makes me wanna give up. i need a break. at least from one part of it all. i think that could help. my hands are still shakey, and when my mom came home, she hugged me, and just started crying. i cant deal with all of this, but im gonna try. no one is just gonna magically makes this all disappear, its gonna be hard, i know it. but all i can do is bitch about it, and then keep going, till i do get used to juggling it all. cuz it has to get worse before it gets better, right?




*sidenote - i wonder if anyone actually reads this anyway, probably not. ha.